29/05/2012 at 11:56 am #1238
Something to hang on a bulkhead near the shower to remind guests about keeping showers short.
Showertime Evaluation and Examination (SEX)
This vessel has limited water carrying capacity. Therefore, it is necessary to allocate all crew and passengers a limit of the maximum time each person is allowed to run the water in the shower each day.
The SEX system is based on points. The more points you get, the longer you can shower. SEX points are allocated on certain criteria, as listed below.
In cases where there may be doubt about points allocation, the Skipper will evaluate the particular criteria. This is known as a Points Evaluation Review and Viewing (PERV) The PERVing process may be reallocated by the Skipper to another crew member, provided sufficient compensation is offered.
It should also be noted that Males are considered to be far less vain about their bodies than Females. Consequently, Males are unlikely to cheat to get more SEX. Therefore, the Skipper will usually allow a self PERV for the Males on board.
1. Base points are calculated on the square centre meters of skin you have. EG. Fat people get more points than skinny people, because they have a larger area to soap up and rinse down. This can be estimated by a quick PERV, or in some cases an estimate will suffice.
2. Older people are allocated more points than younger people. This is because older people have wrinkly skin, requiring more time to rinse the soap out of the cracks and crannies. They also tend to drop the soap more often, and with bad eyesight, backs, hips and knees they take a lot longer to find the soap and pick it up. Points will be estimated for people under the age of 18 or over the age of 50. For all others, a PERV will be necessary.
3. Body hair will accumulate more points. EG. A Male with considerable body hair is clearly going to take longer to soap up and rinse down, than a Female with smooth skin and body hair removed. Obviously a PERV will be required to check for body hair removal.
4. It is the current trend for balding people to shave their heads completely, which is usually done while showering. Therefore, bald people will be allocated more points. A PERV will not be required.
The above system has been calculated by the Skipper to be fair and equitable. For example, on board this boat, if you are a fat, old, hairy arsed bald man, you will definitely get more SEX.
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